Friday, December 8, 2006

Zombie V Pirate



Ok. So here is the first battle royal. Winner wins looser dies. What would happen if x got into a fight with y. Who would win? So in this edition we have Zombies versus Pirate. Who would win?

Zombie

First of all there are so many different possibilities for zombies. There are the Voodoo zombies which are poisoned still alive people. Computers which perform tasks unattended ordered by a separate party. You have an anti-war song by that 90's Irish band. These are actually not real zombies. Everyone knows that a real life zombie is a virus driven, post dead, human zerg. Now one might just think that zombies are slow and stupid and loose limbs easily. This is very true of your run of the mill zombies. However, more recently there has been a rash outbreak of a new type of zombie. They have the ability to sprint and jump and are severely more dangerous. The biggest danger that zombies bring is their ability to rather than destroy individuals they tend to bite and release. The victim becomes a danger to those around him as he will soon become a zombie too. Thus the spread of said zombie virus can be very quick and aggressive. I should also be noted that all zombies can be killed by destroying the brain. Alternatively severing the head from the body will render the zombie harmless though for a short time it may still bite. Any severed limbs of a zombie will not come to life and attack you. That's just silly. Your best bet for surviving a zombie outbreak is to hold up in a strong ventilated bunker filled with rations and water. Because a zombie is dead its body will decay rapidly. Additionally zombies do not eat or drink, except for the living, so their bodies will shut down easily under two weeks. However, the virus will spread and even after 2 weeks of holding out there will certainly be zombies which still exist. I recommend having supplies for at least 6 months in ready and emerging after 3 months of hiding. This will give you 3 months to grow crops find survivors and get food. Now you may think that this is a bit extreme. Who actually has a zombie bunker? Silly? Well when the outbreak hits I'll be tucked nicely inside my cinder block house while your decaying corpse wanders the streets.

Pirates
Now Pirates are completely different. While zombies are dumb, pirates come in a variety of types. There are common pirates and famous pirates. Dread pirates and the the nice kind that very much like to kill you in the morning. While the job of a zombie is to kill everything; the job of a pirate is to steal gold, bury gold, and make a map to where you buried it. Pirates in a sense can be romantic, the sea, adventure, and girls in bars. They can also be nasty. Pirates usually come in one kind, plundering type; however, there have been sightings of puzzle pirates from time to time. For cool factor alone Pirates are hard core. I mean even people who sit at computers all day long stealing other people's games think of them selves as pirates. Pirates also talk a lot better than zombies who usually have a one word vocabulary if that. Your local pirate may be heard saying things such as: Yearhg, Ahoy Matey, Gone down to Davey Jone's locker, Shiver me timbers, Scallywag, Walk the plank, and finally Thar she blows!!. One note on pirates is that they do fall victim to the Stormtrooper effect. Where as Zombies are inverse to such a situation. How to survive a Pirate attack? Currently the only way to survive a pirate attack is if you are really good looking. In this case if you are a girl you will be taken captive then rescued by the man of your dreams. Alternatively if you are a man you will have the love of your life taken captive at which point you will kill the pirates and take their gold. Exception: Robin Williams.

Zombies always play on the other's home court, so this situation we will have the battle on the pirate's ship. Furthermore since my mom could kill a single zombie we will have a zombie outbreak on the ship and see if the most survivable pirate will survive. As always the captain is the one who dies last. For the scenario we will say that a pirate ship has just left from burying treasure and is headed out to find pillage some more. One of the pirates while burying the treasure was bit by a monkey and an hour on the sea is now a zombie.... who wins?

Since the pirates are very crowded together the zombie would immediately have opportunity to bite several pirates, before he is subdued. Clearly the pirates would not know what to do with a zombie and would probably make him walk... or shuffle the plank. However the damage would be done and several of the pirates would become zombies and the zombies would bite the more common pirates. However, the pirate officers would not be hurt by this initial outbreak. The mass of zombies would spread all over the ship breaking down any part of the wooden boat that got between them and spreading the virus. I would assume that one of the officers would survive this second attack either infested or un-infested to tell the captain. Now the thing about old pirates is that they have a strong knowledge of everything that goes on their ship. Unless the person hiding is good looking then they have no way of knowing where they are. Zombies are not good looking so he would know where each and every one was. However, he could not reload his musket fast enough to kill all the zombies. And his sword skills would not help in such tight areas. For the Captain to live, his only hope would be to first hold up in his cabin. Unfortunately there probably won't be enough food for him and the few officers with him, and eventually the zombies would get in. If he is to survive he has to lock himself in the galley, but that requires him step out of the cabin. His best bet is to have his officers rush out shooting their musket pistols and swinging their swords clearing a path for him. Then he needs to rush out using places the zombies cannot go such as masts, ropes, anything. Finally he has to get down the hatch and kill any zombies on the way to the galley. Then lock himself in. After a couple weeks he may the emerge.

The chances of the captain making it are nearly impossible. He drinks so much that he has to have water and food. So he has to make it to the galley. I suppose he could survive on the booze he has in his cabin, but that just might do him in faster. Additionally the ship is made of wood and eventually the zombies might make it in. The captain could jump out and swim, but we all know sharks' favorite food is pirates. And even if the captain survives the zombies, how will he make it back to land without a crew? He doesn't even know where he is.

Winner
Zombies 98% chance
Pirates 2% chance

In this we have explored a very realistic battle between zombies and pirates. If you think I have some information right or wrong be sure to comment. Especially if you think the pirates would win.

No comments: